I'm sitting here, in the aftermath of a biology lab exam, tired and exhausted - physically, emotionally, mentally - looking for something to boost my spirits again, desperately wanting for that excited-about-medical-school feeling once more. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I knew this day would come when all motivation to study, work, strive for excellence would come to a halt. Taking this day-off of school, I decided to update this very-neglected blog, perhaps providing you the details leading up to today. As well, I'll try and continue what I've mentioned in the previous post, which was written a while ago, but just posted today.
-
I guess things have changed a lot since my last post. In a weird way, it seemed like yesterday I just started my first year of undergraduate engineering, yet it seemed like an eternity was endured to get from then to now. I've become more accustomed to the academic and social aspect of university, as well as becoming comfortable with a totally new study-habit.
So far, there have been good days and bad days. When I judge the quality of a day, it isn't based on some life-threatening occurrence. Oh no, the pathetic person that I am judges the quality of a day on the marks I receive that day, even on past assignment. That's one of the downfalls of being an addicted pre-med with pre-med syndrome, you become a hard-to-please, perpetually dissatisfied monster.
While I have received many excellent marks, I've also received some very poor marks. Without closely reviewing the things I've said in my last post, the panic that is associated with Biology labs have resulted in no good marks. In fact, what I've received on these labs are pure garbage. I remember the day I logged onto the net, to find out I got a 50/70 on a previous week's Bio lab. Further damage was done the week after, when I received a 30/50 on another lab. In those two weeks, all motivation to live disappeared, and it didn't stop with just Bio labs.
I'm taking an introduction to engineering course (ECOR for short), covering a variety of topics important for the 1st-year engineering student. An off-shoot of this course that 1st-year engineering student must also take is "Technology, Society, and the Environment" (TSE for short). One cannot pass ECOR without passing TSE. Even if you pass the ECOR exam, but not the TSE portion, failure is served to you. Like my usual self, I thought that there was no way I could get below an A+ in TSE. All that was required of TSE was a 250-word essay and an exam. Easy peasy.
My hands were visibly wet with excitment, my feet soaked to the laces. A couple of weeks after the submission date, the TA who marked the essays showed the TSE class a histogram with the mark distributions of the essays. Only a handful of people recieved full marks, and somewhere in my selfish mind, I knew I had to be in that handful. No way could I have gotten below a 70%, which was the most dominated group. We were notified that we could get our essays back after the class, so when class ended, I raced outside the classroom to fetch my paper. I guess you could say I was a deer caught in headlights.
2.85/5. 2.85/5. 2.85/5. Quick, pull out the calculator. 57%. 57%. Oh my goodness. Recalculate. 57%. 57%. Check the name. It's definately mine. I'm dead.
My pride, ego, self-esteem, felt like it was just stomped on over and over again. It was hard to breathe at that moment, after recieving the worst mark in 1st year. I knew my two friends were suprised to 1) get a higher mark than me and 2) realize I just got a 57% on an assignment. I could tell they were like civilians in front of a suicide-bomber, scared of how I would react. Fortunately for them, it wasn't the only time I've failed in my life, and so I simply kept my composure, collected what was left of myself, and walked away.
When you recieve an almost-fail grade on something you worked hard on, there seems to be some sort of injustice associated with it. Also mixed in is a large batch of insult. Personally, it was an insult to my skill and my participation in TSE. Was it my fault? the TAs fault? God's fault? Whatever. To have almost failed an assignment, even though you have a good knowledge of the material it is based on, usually tells you something about yourself. After reviewing the paper over and over again with myself, and with the TA who marked it, I realized a couple of things I did wrong and learned:
1) I was too cocky and I shot over the limits of the essay prompt: The reason I recieved such a low mark wasn't because I didn't know the material. It was because I brought in elements into the essay which was out of the scope of the prompt, which was about environmental issues. I chose to include various aspects of social injustice in the short span of the essay ( a 250 word expository essay - which itself is a bit of a big stretch) , which the TA did not like.
2) I didn't compose my ideas cohesively: On top of including material that was out of the scope, I didn't tie in the ideas of social injustice cohesively to my other ideas on different environmental issues. To include irrelevant matterial and to not compose it neatly in my essay got me a double-whammy.
3) Don't expect too much: In reality, I know I don't need a perfect GPA to pass many of the Canadian medical school cut-off grades, and I doubt getting a 57% on something worth 5% of the total ECOR grade, in 1st year, will have a big effect on my chances. I realize once more how selfish I was as a person and as a student, and how much of a monster pre-med syndrome was turning me into.
-
Things have gotten alot better since the events of those unfortunate weeks. I recieved 5 marks back on an assignment I originally got 47.5/60 on in a Bio lab, I got a 94% on another assignment for ECOR which is weighted the same as the TSE essay, and I've lately finished round 2 of mid-terms, getting A+s on all my midterms.
All I need on that Biology lab exam is at least an 85%, but then I need a 95% on my final exam to get an overall A+ in Biology. After writing the exam yesterday, I'm scared I won't make that 85%. I'm praying desperately for divine intervention. Thankfully, I'm done all my required undergrad Biology labs. I could rant on and on about how terrible Bio labs are, I think I'll save that for another post.
-
With a week of hardcore exam studying/writing in front of me, aceing 1st-year undergraduate engineering is a possibility that I can increase the chances of happening. But sitting here, writing this blog, reflecting on all the terribly marks I've recieved, really casts you down to a terrible place. I desperately need to find a source of motivation to get me going again, or I risk the chance of falling very short of my goals. I'm praying for divine intervention.
Posts
